|
Marriage Talking about sensitive subjects…
Let's face it: Some topics are trickier than
others. Even in the happiest marriages, issues like in-laws, finances,
and sex can quickly shake things up.
When tough topics come up, couples can find lots of
places to veer into the ditch. Many mistakes come from inexperience as
husbands and wives bounce from one conflict to the next, experimenting
with various solutions.
When it comes to talking about sensitive topics,
some pitfalls are dug way before marriage. If you didn't get the right
skills in your family of origin, it's hard to manage conflict with a
spouse. The twin ditches of (1) avoiding conflict at any cost and (2)
escalating into chaos are often more familiar than the path itself.
Even engaged couples need to begin communicating
and making decisions as if it will affect the rest of their
marriage—because that's exactly what will happen. One couple encountered
this challenge while preparing to choose a china pattern. The bride's
mother assumed she'd go with her daughter to make the selection; the
fiancé recognized this as his privilege and responsibility. Fortunately,
communicating these expectations early on opened the door to greater
harmony in the future.
In addition to the old habits you bring into a
marriage, new challenges can quickly crop up. Even the idyllic honeymoon
phase can raise a number of touchy topics. A major purchase or holiday
tradition can seem bigger than your relationship if you aren't prepared.
How can you prepare yourself to talk about those
sticky subjects? Here are three suggestions.
- Get practical skills. At the nearest
Christian bookstore, you can find strategies for dealing with
sensitive issues. Shelves of books on marriage address the role of
communication. Improving body language, word choice, and tone of
voice will greatly improve your results.
So will picking a better time and place for your discussion. If
you're trying to talk about a sensitive issue, get rid of
distractions like television. Find a time free of interruptions from
children and pagers. Still, don't let things get worse while you
wait for the "perfect" time. It may never come.
One of the most practical things to do is to start your discussion
with prayer. This habit can transform your marriage as you invite
the Holy Spirit to guide your conversation. It also helps you steer
clear of the pothole of confronting your spouse impulsively.
Speaking of steering, remember that driving along a cliff is even
harder going in reverse. In other words, don't bring up past issues
while trying to resolve new ones. If many of your old conflicts lack
closure, get a mediator—a pastor or Christian counselor—to help
bring your marriage up to speed and moving forward again.
- Be principle-centered. Don't ask
who's right. Ask what's right. Imagine a couple fighting
over the perennially thorny issue of money. If both spouses take
time to examine biblical principles of money management, they'll
often emerge with a plan they agree on. The idea of attacking the
problem, not the person, creates safety for sharing at a deep,
effective level on any topic.
- Partner with your spouse. While it's
critical to find the truth about issues affecting your marriage,
relationship is always more important than issues. You're partners,
not prosecutors.
That partnership doesn't end when you discuss sensitive topics. Ask
yourself whether you're showing your husband or wife the same
respect you show your coworkers and friends. If you're Christians,
ask yourself whether you're acting first as brother and sister in
Christ, and second as husband and wife. If the prospect of
discussing a sensitive subject has you fearing (or worse yet,
predicting) your spouse's reaction, you're losing focus.
Your agenda should be to please God. If that's your goal, you won't
hesitate to confront an issue like infidelity or addiction that
tears your spouse away from Him.
Talking about sensitive issues isn't easy, but it
can make your marriage the vehicle that drives both of you closer to
God. And two people with the same destination can't help but move closer
to each other, too.
|