|
It's UNFAIR not to fight Remember June and Ward Cleaver – that oh-so-happy couple that
chuckled through life's lessons with nary a care? The couple that never
seemed to have any conflict? Never seemed to fight? Gee, Beav, weren't
they happy? June and Ward were my parents. They never seemed to disagree, to
argue or to have any conflict whatsoever. I remember hearing my parents
have a serious disagreement only one time during my formative years.
Then one day dad was gone… took off with his secretary! I think that was
the first time I ever thought- you know, maybe this wasn’t the deal
marriage after all. On the other hand, if you grew up in a family where
fighting was the norm and days of peace were something only the
neighbors experienced, you may be jealous. There are two sides to this coin, however. I came out of adolescence
and into adulthood fearing conflict. I detested conflict. I didn't have
a clue how to handle it. Conflict brought up emotions I didn't know how
to handle. I had no backbone in my personal relationships – all because
I didn't want any conflict. I ran scared. Fast forward to marriage. God placed a wonderful woman in my life who
was much less noticeably afflicted with conflict-aphobia. True to past
form, I spent the first years of our marriage trying to avoid conflict
and fighting. I hated the emotions dredged up by conflict, and I didn't
know what to do when my wife brought up issues that were difficult for
me to deal with. I wasted huge amounts of time avoiding conflict, hiding
from it and trying to sweep it under the rug without dealing with it. I
was doing all this while thinking it was best for me, best for my wife
and best for our marriage. However, instead of having less and less conflict (my inherent goal
in avoiding it), my wife and I started having more frequent, more
intense and more completely unsolvable conflicts. The very conflict I
was running away from kept coming right back at me. I was running down a
mountain away from an avalanche that wasn't slowing down. I didn't allow my wife to have any negative emotions – or at least
not to let me know about them. Through my words and actions, she
understood I couldn't be bothered – or wouldn't be bothered – with
conflict. I was communicating to her, "If you have a problem with something in
our relationship, don't tell me about it. It's your issue. You figure it
out, and then tell me about it with a big fake smile on your face. Don't
tell me about your pain. I don't want to know that you're feeling pushed
out of my life because of my utter lack of willingness to deal with
reality." Our marriage arrived at a tipping point. Something had to give. The
"my way or the highway" approach wasn't working. My wife couldn't go on
with not being able to express herself to me. I couldn't go on hiding
and avoiding the conflict gurgling right under the surface. I was
destroying my marriage in my short-sighted efforts to make it my version
of "better." It was at this point of hurt that a series of events and connections
with godly people led to me a life-changing revelation. I realized it
was unfair not to fight. How selfish and arrogant of me to think
that marriage had to be my way or the highway – especially when my way
wasn't God's way. For too many years I had been cheating my wife out of the chance to
be heard. I was squashing vitality and life out of her and our marriage
without even knowing it. So I began to change. I began to accept that conflict done right is a
wonderful thing. It's a crucible through which we take our relationship
to a deeper level. We learn something about each other that lets us love
deeper. When we accept our own shortcomings and the faults of our spouse
and we work through them honestly, we get an incredible opportunity to
extend God's grace to another person. I soon realized I had also been cheating myself out of a huge part of
marriage. I had not allowed myself to experience the emotions I was so
scared of. When I paused and felt – really felt – the emotions that
previously terrified me, I grew in ways I didn't imagine possible.
Taking off my emotional sunglasses led me to see the world, my wife and
my marriage in a full spectrum of new clarity. Life wasn't so one-sided
anymore. Maybe you find yourself in a marriage where your spouse "can't do"
conflict. Or maybe it's you that can't do conflict. It's not fair to
continue on this path. Remember a few key principles to guide you through the process of
fighting fair:
I'm not trying to be Ward Cleaver in marriage anymore. My wife and I
no longer avoid conflict in our marriage. We see conflict as a chance to
find the deep and rich rewards that come from living examined lives.
We've learned to fight for our marriage – which is only fair. |